The Road to Emmaus

Friends,


I'm writing from work (slow day today), so I won't be able to share the Easter photos just yet. Rest assured that they're on their way! Anyway, I write for a different reason this afternoon. Today's Gospel is one of the most beautiful passages in all of Scripture (OK, so that's my humble opinion)... or at least one of the best stories. Often known as the story of the "Road to Emmaus," here's the passage you'd hear at daily Mass today, from Luke's Gospel. I've shortened it a bit, and I've followed it with some of my own thoughts and a beautiful poem from Denise Levertov (reflecting on a Diego Velazquez painting) that you MUST read:




That very day, the first day of the week, two of Jesus’ disciples were going to a village seven miles from Jerusalem called Emmaus,and they were conversing about all the things that had occurred (aka Jesus' crucifixion and death). And it happened that while they were conversing and debating, Jesus himself drew near and walked with them, but their eyes were prevented from recognizing him.


He asked them, “What are you discussing as you walk along?”They stopped, looking downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, said to him in reply,“Are you the only visitor to Jerusalem who does not know of the things that have taken place there in these days?”And Jesus replied to them, “What sort of things?”(They told him about Jesus' ministry, crucifixion, death, promised resurrection, and the fact that the somen who had visited his tomb that morning found it empty. He basically tells them that they're foolish and lacking in faith and then explains the way that all of the prophets' words refer to HIM and that this all had to happen in this way.)


 As they approached the village to which they were going, he gave the impression that he was going on farther. But they urged him, “Stay with us, for it is nearly evening and the day is almost over.”So he went in to stay with them. And it happened that, while he was with them at table, he took bread, said the blessing, broke it, and gave it to them. With that their eyes were opened and they recognized him, but he vanished from their sight.


Then they said to each other,“Were not our hearts burning within us while he spoke to us on the way and opened the Scriptures to us?” So they set out at once and returned to Jerusalem where they found gathered together the Eleven and those with them who were saying,“The Lord has truly been raised and has appeared to Simon!”Then the two recounted what had taken place on the way and how he was made known to them in the breaking of the bread.


-Luke 24:13-35ish (today's Gospel)


I love this reading. I love it because it's about blindness and sight, about belief and doubt, about mystery and the obvious. It's about a journey-- our journey-- that vascilates between all of those. We're all always on the Road to Emmaus. God is in everything, but we're often too blind or too caught up in the drama of the day to stop and realize it. Jesus is always right in front of our eyes, but sometimes we miss him, just as these guys did. We look past the truth. We miss the beauty. We don't make the connection.


And then there are those moments when we're blindsided with certainty and overflowing with vibrance; when our hearts do burn within us; when we feel an extra-special connection or communion with one another or a harmony with creation; when we are suddenly so alert, so aware of the presence of the Divine, of Beauty, of Truth; when we feel like we're exactly where we're supposed to be. Sometimes these moments come when we least expect; sometimes it's over a normal dinner or through a casual conversation among friends (as is the case here) that our eyes are most opened and we are able to see through all of the haze to what's actually going on, what actually matters, what's actually real.


I found myself, at Easter Mass, struggling with a few key questions about my faith. I found myself thinking hard about things like whether or not I really believe in transubstantiation. It threw me off when I realized I'm really not so sure. There are certain things about being Catholic that I just downright disagree with, both regarding theology and social teaching, and there are things that don't make sense to me-- I know that everything doesn't make sense, and that's where faith comes in, but there are things that still bother me. Still, I feel a real presence of God in my life. I see Christ in other people and in the world. My heart, at times, does feel as if it is ablaze. There are things that I can't wrap my head around and things that I simply don't think are in line with my own heart's convictions, but I still extract so much inspiration and strength from the story we tell on Sundays (and Wednesdays!), from the symbols we use to tell that story, and from my faith community.


I like this Gospel reading because it's about the here-and-now, about paying attention, about realizing what's going on inside of our own hearts and our own bodies-- and what that means for our faith. The followers of Jesus in the story were incredibly blind even as they walked with Christ, ate with him, and talked with him. They were so concerned about the details of the situation, the drama, the logistics. They were in business mode. This, after awhile, can numb or even kill your faith. I will never stop thinking critically about things, and I think that doubt is a healthy and beautiful part of faith. I don't feel like I have to buy or believe every single thing when it comes to the business/details side of being Catholic. What I think is most important is recognizing Christ when he's in front of me, whether that's in beautiful Mt. Hood or in the client across from me or in my Easter basket or in the orchid Jose gave me... and embracing the journey.


I think about my clients and their faith. They tell me "God bless you" all the time. They say they'll be at their scheduled meeting with me "God-willing." Usually, their faith doesn't come from intense study of doctrine or dogma. They may not have the most theologically sound understanding of what it means to be Catholic (or whatever). But it's real, and it's a faith derived from lived experiences, which to me is far more important and more inspiring. They're looking for God. They feel God in their lives. They have some kind of personal relationship with God, and maybe it's "simple," but that's OK too because all of the rules and technicalities can really bog you down and make you bitter if you think that being a person of faith is all about believing 100% of what is written in the Bible or in the Catechism. To these people I say, but do you see Christ when he's sitting next to you? Do you treat people with dignity and compassion and live out the Holy Thursday mandate to serve one another?


I want to share with you with a beautiful poem by Denise Levertov, one of my favorite poets. She was a convert to Catholicism because she found that it matched up with the values of justice and nonviolence she held as a peace activist during the Vietnam era and because she had already been quite religious in her written work, celebrating the sacredness of everyday via beautiful verses and prose. She liked the rich tradition of Catholicism and its concern for the marginalized, but she said herself that she rejected the hierarchy of the Church authority and the rigidness of the dogma. All of her life, she welcomed doubt and faith simultaneously, which made for some beautiful poetry and for a very real, but turbulent, relationship with her Creator.


One of my favorite poems from Levertov is a reflection on a painting by Spanish artist Diego Velázquez, circa 1628; the painting is called “Kitchen Maid with the Supper at Emmaus” and is now found in the National Gallery of Ireland in Dublin. Here's the painting, and below is Levertov's poem, "The Servant Girl at Emmaus (After a Painting by Velázquez)," in which she imagines the internal movements of the servant who, from another room, overhears the conversation Jesus has with the men from the road to Emmaus-- and instantly knows in her heart of hearts that this man is the Christ. This is a beautiful example of what it means to have an inward-out faith rather than a faith that we build from what we have been told. This girl, probably uneducated, marginalized, and pretty poor, doesn't need a Catechism to know what it takes the men until after Jesus' departure from them to know. She feels her heart burning within her, and despite all of the doubts and logistical details that she might be missing, she does not miss out on this genuine spiritual encounter.




"Kitchen Maid with the Supper at Emmaus"



The Servant Girl at Emmaus (After a Painting by Velázquez)


She listens, listens, holding


her breath. Surely that voice


is his—the one


who had looked at her, once, across the crowd,


as no one ever had looked?


Had seen her? Had spoken as if to her?


Surely those hands were his,


taking the platter of bread from hers just now?


Hands he’d laid on the dying and made them well?


Surely that face—?


The man they’d crucified for sedition and blasphemy.


The man whose body disappeared from its tomb.


The man it was rumored now some women had seen this morning, alive?


Those who had brought this stranger home to their table


don’t recognize yet with whom they sit.


But she in the kitchen, absently touching the wine jug she’s to take in,


a young Black servant intently listening,


swings round and sees


the light around him


and is sure.


-Denise Levertov


(You can read more of Denise's work from this particular volume, Breathing the Water, online. It's lovely!)


To be honest, I wasn't all that moved during Easter Mass. I was kind of distracted by all of the cute kids screaming and squealing (also an example of an encounter with God, right?). I loved Skyping with my family. I enjoyed the Easter Egg Hunt in the morning and opening the treats from the Wisconsin Easter Bunny and filling my stomach to the brim along with all of my housemates, Jose, and Colleen's family, who treated us to an unfathomably extensive brunch at Salty's on the river. The Paschal Mystery was just a little too much for me to wrap my head around and really get into on Easter Sunday. The pomp and circumstance was just a bit too distracting to me.


But Holy Thursday Mass was absolutely magnificent. I also attended St. Ignatius for that service, and the priest's homily was one of the most beautiful interpretations of the Last Supper/Washing of the Feet themes that I've ever heard. He spoke about the Passover and the relationship between our celebration and the pivotal feast celebrated by our Jewish brothers and sisters. This caught my attention because Jillian, my semi-Jewish housemate, recently put on an entire Seder meal for us, complete with bitter herbs and a cup of wine for Elijah. It was really a moving experience, even as we giggled through parts of it (four mandatory glasses of wine will do that to you!). On Holy Thursday, the priest reflected on that Passover story and on the Exodus and challenged all of us to think about what it is that we need to leave on the shores of our Red Sea-- be it sin, prejudice, or anger-- in our pursuit of freedom.


And then he transitioned into talking about love and compassion and service of one another (my favorite themes!), which he tied into a concrete example: immigration. This hit home. For many people who have come to our country in search of hope, the Rio Grande was their Red Sea (I thought that was absolutely gorgeous).We are called to treat every person, regardless of legal status, with dignity, he said. We are to be a community that welcomes and serves people of all sexual orientations, ethnic backgrounds, ages, creeds, etc., no questions asked.


When I had my feet washed by a beautiful girl who looked to be about 10-years-old and whose parents were most definitely not born in this country, I fought back tears. She was hesitant at first, glancing at my toenails and their chipped purple polish. And then, with a little prompting from an older lady monitoring our washing station, she lightly gripped my big, white foot and gently poured water over my toes. Then, one by one, she dried them with her towel, concentrating hard all the while and seemingly searching for serious meaning in my feet. I couldn't help but smile the entire time. Finally, she looked up at me with her huge brown eyes, and there are no words for the certain communion we shared in that moment.


That's what matters to me, and that's what I'm figuring out more and more as I try to keep my eyes peeled for the Divine while I walk my road to Emmaus, while I wash my dishes (like the servant girl), and while I celebrate this Easter season. He is risen indeed! He is in you and me and my orchids! :)


Credits:


Happy Birthday to you special April babies: Bethany, Nicki, Mom, Mara!


Thank you to those of you I've been able to chat with (or have made phone dates with!) recently. It is always so nice to hear your voices. Kelly,  Bridget, Katharine, Nicki, Jill, I love you all! Family: it was so great to Skype you all on Easter!


Finally, I am keeping several of you in my prayers in a special way: Katharine, Jilly, Molls and Mrs. Henry, and all of you 2011 graduates, know that I am sending much love your way!


Until soon,


Amanda

It's just that simple.

Hello, everyone.

I just want to write a quick post because it's Holy Thursday and because I am missing you all, especially my lovely family, as Easter draws nearer. In fact, the Easter Bunny seems to have already found her way to Gresham. We JV's are obeying the instructions and waiting until Sunday to open up the two boxes of goodies, of course.

Anyway, this is one of my favorite days in the Liturgical year, and it always causes me to stop and think. Holy Thursday brings us the Gospel reading in which Jesus washes his disciples' feet, the true example of humility and servitude. And he commands us to love one another-- so simple, and yet so complicated to live out sometimes! Still, I am moved by the profound straight-forwardness of this mandate (hence, "Maundy" Thursday for some, AKA my favorite Protestant, Katharine) to be compassionate toward one another. Love, after all, is what transforms us. When you look someone in the eye or listen to someone's story, it's difficult to ignore the fact that we share a common humanity, that we are connected, that we are all a part of the same web of life and Body of Christ. Love is dangerous in this way, but that's what Jesus calls us to.

On that note, I suggest you check out a beautiful blog entry my dear housemate Colleen wrote for her organization, JOIN. It's called "The Four Letter Word," and you will find it here: http://joinpdxblog.blogspot.com/

Finally, I spent some time today reflecting on and retelling a story from November. The point of the interaction I experienced with this client resonates on this special day. Again I am reminded of this "ministry of presence" that we can all live each day in our interactions with one another. Be there. Be present. Be humble. Be love. Sometimes, it's that simple.

I'll leave you with this reflection and a reminder that I love you, miss you, and am praying that you have a blessed and happy Triduum and Easter celebration. I hope to Skype some of you... and I can't wait to see what E.B. brings our community!

Love,

Amanda

The reflection:

This was definitely not in my job description.

It was only November, but similar thoughts had already crossed my mind several times during my first few months at Catholic Charities-El Programa Hispano. Still, I had never felt quite this under-qualified. With a stack of papers strewn across the desk in front of me and a broken-hearted man across from me, I wondered where to begin.

José's eyes were heavy and his forehead wrinkled in exhaustion and stress. Moments before, he had walked in to our drop-in center and told the receptionist that he needed some help "making phone calls." Now, in a matter-of-fact tone that I never could have mustered given the circumstances-- and perhaps this was an indicator that he himself had not yet internalized this news-- he informed me of his brother's death that very morning in a rollover car accident. It wasn't what I expected to hear, and if I had been giving José anything less than my full attention before that moment, I was certainly fully present now.

It's hard enough, when I'm speaking my first language, to know what to say in these situations-- how was I supposed to offer my condolences in Spanish? I felt disarmed and overwhelmed, but José exuded a remarkable feeling of serenity even on one of the most difficult days of his life. I took a deep breath and realized that there was no one else but me to help him at that moment. We would just have to figure it out.


I called the police to find out where the body of José's brother had been taken. I talked to his brother's employer to ask about the situation, since the death was a result of a work accident. I spoke with directors of various funeral homes to find out about the cost and logistics of shipping a body to Mexico. So that he would feel more comfortable, I arranged for an interpreter to go to a funeral home with José to take care of the arrangements. Meanwhile, he called abroad a few times to talk to his brother's wife, and he presented me with an ID and birth certificate for this brother I had never met, whose face, staring out at me from an Oregon driver's license, still haunts me.

At some point amidst this long and laborious process, I paused and put down the phone and my pen. I looked at José, not only my client but a man who had lost his brother that very day. And the only words I could produce in any language were simply "¿Cómo se siente, usted?"-- How are you feeling? His response was simple, too. He was tired. This was hard. But he was the only one in Oregon, the only family his brother had in this country. He would have to figure it out, despite his lack of preparedness or qualifications. In this, we were quite similar. And it was impossible to avoid the connection I felt with this man, whose heavy heart and weary eyes moved me and reminded me of our shared humanity and vulnerability.


The nature of my short-term intervention work is such that I rarely get a chance to follow up with clients' situations. But, much to my delight, José returned to my office a few weeks ago. He told me that everything had gone as smoothly as possible and that his brother's body had arrived safely to Mexico, where the family had a lovely ceremony. It had been an intensive process, José told me, but he was doing alright.


Advocating fiercely for my clients energizes me, and I get a certain fulfillment out of arguing with immigration officials, unjust landlords, and insurance companies. When my clients are being taken advantage of, I spring into action and I'm in my element. But sometimes, a situation calls for less intensity and stubbornness. I struggled with how to help José because he didn't necessarily need someone to fight the system for him; he just needed someone to walk through it with him, to be there for him, to ask him how he was holding up.


Our work as Jesuit Volunteers seeking to live out the values of social justice, community, spirituality, and simplicity is sometimes quite uncomplicated: just be present. There may well be someone else better suited to the task, but I was the one sitting with José that day; likewise, he was the one trying his best to make arrangements in the wake of his brother's death. In these situations, what else can we do but toss our burden, our perceived inadequacy, and our self-doubt on the table and slowly, together, begin sifting through it all in search of some small light?

April Showers Bring… More Showers.

April 10^th, 2011

First and foremost, a quick rant about the weather. Today, Jillian, Colleen, and I decided that there is a major Northwest Weather Conspiracy going on. Often, when the newspapers or the weather channels show the 10-day forecast, they show sun for Saturday and Sunday. We get through the rainy week by chasing that weekend sun. But as we draw nearer to and finally arrive at the weekend, we are met with more gray skies—or partly cloudy at best—and scattered showers. The elusive sun moves to Tuesday and Wednesday, and we chase it to mid-week, banking on that distant dose of Vitamin C to get us through the dull darkness. But when we get to Hump Day, we find ourselves getting rained on once again, and we check the forecast to see what has happened, only to notice that the sunny weather seems to have shifted to the weekend again.

And so it goes—we seem to be forever chasing the sun, forever being duped by these misleading reports of false hope and false sunshine. This is to say: it’s still raining here. Still. This is the sixth (seventh?) month of gray skies. Last Friday was the first clear day in FORTY-ONE DAYS. I am beyond ready for springtime, and although the daylight lasts until 7pm or so now, we haven’t seen temperatures out of the 50’s more than once or twice yet this year, and the skies are still overcast 90% of the time. I hope that spring has sprung wherever you are and I hope that it’s contagious!

Now, hello, friends and family! I must apologize for being a little absent these past few weeks. To quote America (from “Sister Golden Hair Surprise”), “I’ve been one poor correspondent, I’ve been too, too hard to find, but that doesn’t mean you ain’t been on my mind.” Indeed, you have been! And communicating with some of you has been absolutely wonderful as of late. I’ve appreciated g-chatting with Lizzie and Beth, making phone dates with Kelly and Bridget and Molly, and hearing from many of you via email and other social networking media.

We had a truly beautiful day at the beach!

I have much to report. Let’s start with José. In short, for all of you who are curious, we’re dating and it’s wonderful! (As Katharine pointed out, that won’t come as a shock. I didn’t realize I dropped his name about five times in my last post until she called me and said, “Alright, who’s this guy?” and told me that even her friend, reading over her shoulder, asked what was going on with this new character in Amanda’s blog.) We’ve had a lot of fun recently. A few weekends ago, we went whale-watching on the coast. Despite the fact that we saw no whales, we got lucky with the most beautiful day I’ve seen so far this “spring.” It was totally clear, very sunny, and pretty warm. We could see for miles, so it wasn’t visibility but rather lack of luck that prevented us from seeing the whales that were supposedly migrating past the Oregon coast that week. Equipped with Colleen’s binoculars and giddy with sunny joy, we patiently stared at the sparkling Pacific for about an hour until finally accepting that it wasn’t our day—for whales anyway. Still, a trip to the coast (especially on a day like that!) is never wasted.

The next weekend, we went on an even bigger adventure, this time to California! José had planned to surprise his mom on her birthday, and because I didn’t want him to drive fourteen hours on his own (and also because he promised me sunshine if I came along), I decided to skip out of work early on Friday and accompany him to Bakersfield. We had a smooth drive down and a wonderful weekend that included breakfast with several of his friends (pumpkin pancakes!!!!), a trip to L.A., and some quality time with his family.

The snuggle pods on the roof.

Los Angeles is definitely not somewhere I want to live, but I do think I owe it another visit in the future. We had about a half of a day there, but we made it to the Getty, a beautiful museum on a bluff that is accessible only by tram and boasts a beautiful view of the sprawling city and the downtown skyline. We also stopped at Santa Monica quickly and walked along the beach for a bit, which gave me a chance to toss off my shoes and wiggle my toes in the sand (and the chilly water!), always a delightful experience. We had dinner with José’s brother and his girlfriend and then did something sort of outrageous but quintessentially L.A: we paid $20 to access a rooftop bar where we found ourselves fourteen floors up, staring into the glistening windows of skyscrapers and sipping our drinks from the comfort of what we dubbed “snuggle pods” (waterbeds enclosed in a metal hut… that’s the best description I can come up with). It was pretty surreal and definitely not our usual scene, but worth experiencing!

Santa Monica

The next day, Sunday, was José’s mom’s birthday, so we made our way back to Bakersfield to surprise her—and his grandma, younger brother, and dad! It was so fun to see their faces and their reactions, and I felt very lucky to have been invited to come for the weekend. Everyone was so welcoming, warm, and sweet, and José was a great host. I always felt completely comfortable and I loved his family…and his backyard, where they seem to have every type of fruit you could want, just growing from trees! Anyway, fourteen hours later we found ourselves back in rainy Oregon, and after four hours of sleep I headed to work on Tuesday morning and toughed it out, sleepy but grateful for the amazing weekend adventure! It's kind of funny to me that just as I hit a bit of a rut and was kind of restless and in need of a new challenge or something of the sort, I met José, who really makes me think and supports me and has added so much to the richness of this entire experience.

Anyway! Other upcoming adventures in my life include: a trip to Daniel’s grandparents’ cabin this weekend (in Washington), which will be a really nice chance to relax and spend some quality time together as a community; Holy Week; volunteering at the Spring Beer and Wine Festival; going to Eat Mobile and sampling food from forty of Portland’s famous food carts; Easter brunch with Colleen’s family (I’m seeing a theme here!); a trip to Spokane, WA that will include Bloomsday, a 12k run; a Cinco de Mayo party at our house; and a visit from Mom and Brittany in late May. Lots to look forward to in the next month or so!

I have also recently accepted a position to work in Milwaukee at Casa Romero when I return. I’m planning to live with Molly on the east side and then work at this south-side retreat and renewal center, where I interned senior year of college. My job will include facilitating and organizing middle school retreats, coordinating a program called EMMAUS which gives high school students a chance to hear from college students studying in various fields in order to foster vocational discernment and pre-college reflection, working on some urban plunge projects for high schools or universities that approach us and ask for this new program, and doing some work on a newsletter and possibly some grant writing. Essentially, it’s awesome. And they’re open to my working less than full-time so that I have a chance to volunteer or shadow somewhere and get some experience in a legal setting as I continue to think about law school. Finally, they’re okay with my commitment being a bit temporary (9 months to a year) because I don’t think I can promise to be in Wisconsin any longer than that, especially if I decide to go to school. At the very least, I can guarantee that the cold will run me out of the state again!

In many ways, I am thrilled to be coming back. It will be so nice to be close to my family and to be back at Casa and living with Molly. There is so much that I miss! I’ve been thinking a lot about all of this and reflecting heavily on this Casa opportunity, but I also recognize that I still have a few months here, that this is such a unique opportunity too, and that I need to really reinvest because it’s going to FLY by. I want to stay present, and I’m doing my best. Thinking about leaving is exciting but it’s bittersweet because I do really enjoy this area, I love my housemates, and I’ll certainly miss my job. Today, Graciela (who comes to help with our group of seniors every Wednesday) gave me a hug while I was typing ferociously and basically tuning everybody around me out. She asked me what my plans were and if I had heard back about the job at Casa, and I filled her in. She was so happy for me. The fact that she paused from her work and asked about that—that she remembered—reminded me that there are so many people I love and will miss. And it reminded me to be present at work because there are beautiful people like Graciela who are oh-so-present to me. So, I always feel pulled in many different directions. I’m trusting the decision I made early on, though (to return to Milwaukee for a year or so) because it was made from a very good, solid place and I felt—and still feel—very at peace with it.

As for the here-and-now: we’ve had various dinner dates with Anthony, Jim and Mary Ann, and Karen and Dave—all very fun and delicious. I made stuffed peppers... very adventurous! We’re also doing a “date a housemate” system that entails our going on one-on-one “dates” with every housemate over our next few months together. Daniel and I were paired together first, and we enjoyed a lovely lunch at my favorite place, Selma’s (conveniently and dangerously located about thirty seconds from my office). I now have two weeks to woo Jenna! I like this new idea because it allows me to spend some time with housemates with whom it doesn’t happen as naturally, and it’s nice to be intentional about these things, especially now that our lives have gotten busier and fuller. It was easy to be together all of the time when none of us had anything going on in this area, but now we’ve got different extracurriculars and friends and boyfriends and all sorts of things to balance. Over time, our community has certainly evolved. We’ve stumbled here and there. But all in all, I’ve been impressed by the open and honest communication in our house and by everyone’s consideration of and commitment to one another. It has been a wonderful experience and I hope that we can continue to be there for one another throughout the rest of our year.

On a different note: tonight was my second-to-last youth ministry session, and I must say… I have gotten pretty attached to these 8^th-graders. Particularly one girl, Sami, and I’ll ask that you keep her in your prayers. For weeks, during our “check-in” (what was the best part of your week? What was the worst part of your week? Where did you see God this week?) Sami talked about her mom’s upcoming visit to her school. Her mom, who she doesn’t’ see very much, would be there for Sami’s 8^th grade speech. Her mom would finally be meeting Sami’s friends at school. The excitement made it pretty clear to me that Sami’s mom hasn’t been entirely present in her life but that this little girl is desperately seeking a relationship with this woman. I hoped and hoped that things would turn out, despite the sinking feeling in my stomach that something was going to go wrong.

When Sami couldn’t make it to youth ministry two weeks ago, she sent a note along with her brother to deliver to me. She had done her check-in on paper and addressed it to me. Her high point was something about going to Seattle and having fun there. Her God point was doing well on some school assignments. Eighth-grade stuff. Cute. But her low points were that her friend was having seizures—and that her mom had missed the big school visit because she’s moving to a different state. I almost started crying when I read it, and my heart just sank. I wrote back. The next week, Sami was there, and I asked her how she was doing. I gave her a hug and she cried in my arms. And something occurred to me: this, I thought, is why I do this.

I worry sometimes that the kids aren’t taking everything in. They don’t always pay attention or participate as much as I wish they did. They’re not all interested in this stuff. Some of them are wise beyond their years (Sami, for example), and others—though I love them—are a handful (Ricky). But if they don’t remember anything I’ve said this year, I hope that they remember me. I hope that they remember me as some kind of positive role model for them. As a person who cared about them and shared her faith with them and encouraged them in theirs. And when I held Sami while she cried quietly, I was reminded of what’s really important about ministering to these kids—and to the people I work with. Being a vessel. A broken one, perhaps, but a vessel nonetheless, and allowing God to work in me.  

This is the same situation at work, too. I recently got a chance to reunite with the guy whose brother died back in November (the one who needed help shipping the body to Mexico and organizing a funeral, essentially). It was amazing to be able to see how he’s doing and to help him with a few more things related to this situation that has been so challenging and exhausting and emotional for him and his family. He’s really been strong and organized, and he’s inspiring to me. I rarely get a follow-up chance like that because of the nature of my job and our drop-in set-up, but I was so grateful for the chance to catch up with him and to remind myself once again that it isn’t always about having all of the answers or executing things perfectly. Sometimes, it’s about being there for somebody and realizing that you CAN’T do that completely or perfectly, but if you let God in on that interaction too, you might recognize that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be—and you’ll stop asking “why me?” and just be there. Here, a quote that José sent me about this “ministry of presence” as it relates to our work (and our lives). I’ll leave you with the wise words of Henri Nouwen:

"More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems.

My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn't be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them."

Have a very wonderful rest of the week and a prayerful Holy Week, friends. I hope that you’re able to make it special. I am going to miss being home for this week and for Easter, but I am grateful to have a warm and loving community with whom I’ll spend the holiday. Easter is so dear to me because it’s the time when all of our family gathers at our house (and I DO love the food! And the Easter Egg Hunt!) and because it’s so crucial to my Catholic identity. But now I also remember Easter in Chile—that terrible production of “Jesus Christ Superstar” we saw, the wonderful homily at Mass, the delicious brunch we made at Lizzie’s!—and I realize that, even when I can’t be at home, things work out. God provides a community and a home for me wherever I am, and all of those experiences just build on one another and enrich the meaning of Easter for me every year.

I’m missing you, sending love, and hoping you’re doing well. Update me if you haven’t! I’d love to hear from you, and know that I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. Especially you, Ken, Peg, and Beth.

Love,

Amanda

Springtime (sort of)!

Hello, and Happy Spring! Well, in theory it is spring. We are still getting our fair share of rain here in the Portland area, but I do think that there is hope. Trees are beginning to bloom and we have a few roses already opening up on our rose bushes. I am hoping that we’ll start seeing more of the sun in the very near future, but my idealism is tempered a bit by natives who tell me spring may not make its official entrance until we’re well into June. Anyway, I hope that you’ve all adjusted to daylight savings (it did a number on me this year) and are feeling revitalized as the weather warms up a bit.

At Crown Point in the Gorge. Beautiful view!

I had a special visitor recently when Papa Wolff made his West Coast debut with a visit to Oregon for the weekend. I was so grateful that he overcame his serious travel anxiety to visit me, and we had a delightful time together. He arrived last Thursday evening, and I picked him up at the airport and guided us to Edgefield, where we had a delicious dinner and stayed for the night. The hotel was quaint and adorable. I’d love to go back sometime. We also had a yummy breakfast there the next day before heading off for a drive through the Columbia River Gorge. We were blessed with the best weather we’ve had in several weeks—a gorgeous sunny day! We had a decent view from Crown Point and a lot of fun stopping off at the waterfalls along the way to Multnomah Falls, our final destination. The 600+ foot drop makes the Falls the second-tallest in the United States, and it’s really a very stately scene. We took plenty of pictures of water (see Picasa site) and our faces and several photos of water and our faces together.

Multnomah Falls

Dad’s visit just so happened to coincide with the first Friday of Lent. Desperately seeking a Midwest-style fish fry (as opposed to the ones out here which employ salmon, mahi mahi, haddock, etc. instead of perch and walleye), I stumbled upon a true treasure and possibly the only establishment this side of the Mississippi where lake fish are served. So, we headed to the Corbett Fish House and Dad treated us to a delicious, delicious meal. It was such a good time. Lizzie, Jose, and Lindsay’s sister (also visiting) joined the eight of us, plus Dad, and we ate and drank our way to happiness, Wisconsin-style. I am so appreciative of both Dad and Jose for picking up that monstrous tab, and I was ecstatic about the fact that I got my Friday fish fry.

On Saturday morning, Dad and I headed out early to go to the coast. Cannon Beach is about two hours from Gresham, and the drive is beautiful because you have to go through a pass. Suddenly, once you get through the western Portland metro area, there’s snow on the ground and on the tree branches hanging over the winding road. The scenery alone makes the drive worthwhile, but Cannon Beach is never disappointing as a destination. It was pretty windy, foggy, and chilly, but even still we had an amazing time. We happened to arrive at low tide, so we got to walk all the way out to Haystack Rock (normally more inaccessible) and play around in the tidal pools. We discovered anemones, starfish, snails, mussels, and other critters. It was amazing! Dad’s first visit to the Pacific Coast left him pretty mesmerized, I think. Another beautiful drive followed as we made our way to the cheese factory at Tilamook (we had to bring cheese curds home for my housemates, of course!) and then back to Gresham. We took it easy that night and saw a movie because we were pretty satisfied from our seaside lunch (I had some delicious, delicious honey mustard salmon and he had yummy prawns) and tired from a long but wonderful day.

Cannon Beach! That's Haystack Rock in the background.

The weekend flew by so quickly. On Sunday, it was already time for Dad to head home. But first, we made a stop at OMSI (the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) and checked out the exhibits on genetics and “Lost Egypt” before heading to Alberta Street to have our last lunch together—at the Grilled Cheese Grill! I’ve been wanting to take Dad there since my first visit because a) the grilled cheese is PHENOMENAL and b) I have a very vivid memory of roasting chips and eating PB&J on a gutted-out school bus that happened to be on our hunting land in Adams Co. back in the day. The same memory came back to Dad while we ate, and we had a great final lunch before heading to the airport. It was hard to say goodbye, as it always is, but I’m so, so thankful that I got to spend so much quality time with him and that he made the trip despite the fact that traveling is not something he enjoys. So, thank you, Dad, and I love you lots and lots!

Dad and his sandwich on the Grilled Cheese bus.

The Tuesday after Dad’s departure, Erin and I went to the Alvin Ailey production featuring the famous piece, “Revelations.” We inherited these tickets out of luck and generosity (as we’re so often overwhelmed with here) because Karen and her husband Dave were unable to go to the show after purchasing tickets far ahead of time. So, while they were busy in Guatemala on a service trip, Erin and I basked in the beauty of the incredible production from Karen and Dave’s incredible seats at the Schnitz. It was such a wonderful show—hard to describe here, really—and because I haven’t seen all that much dance in my life, I had a wonderful experience. Once again, we found ourselves unable to properly thank or “pay back” the people who take such good care of us here.

Life continues as usual otherwise. Work has been alternating between crazy-busy and pretty calm. I coordinated an energy assistance outreach event that allowed us to give utility help to about 20 families using the County’s money! Woo! We’ve had dental vans, medical vans, legal clinics, and other such things to coordinate and facilitate, so EPH has been a happening place. Yet, I had a few slow afternoons this past week, which aren’t always a bad thing. I get a little antsy when I don’t have anything to do, but because Sandra is back and there is plenty of work on her desk, I am usually given a task pretty quickly. I spent a lot of time this past week translating case notes and looking over files in preparation for an audit that is coming up.

Anemones and a starfish in the tidal pools at the beach.

Also, I had the opportunity awhile ago to speak in front of a city council regarding a community block grant that we’re hoping to get. We have received this grant multiple times and, in fact, it funds specifically all of the work I do in the drop-in center. I had about two minutes of air time, but the words just sort of came to me. I found myself nearly choking up as I talked about my clients and their commitment to our agency. Many of the “viejitos” who frequent our center came along to the meeting just to be a presence, and I referenced their commitment (they couldn’t even understand what was being said!) when speaking to the committee. I was a bit surprised myself at how passionate and emotional my words were, especially because I hadn’t rehearsed anything ahead of time, but it made me realize that even when my job is boring, or frustrating, or extremely stressful, this community has really weasled its way into my heart and I find it very fulfilling at the same time. I’m inspired by our clients and by my coworkers, and although this isn’t a position I would want to have for many years, I think that it continues to be a good placement for me this year.

Alrighty, time for a Skype date with Cati!! I hope that you’ve all been well, that you’re having a good Lent (if that is something you’re doing), that you are happy and healthy and finding fulfillment in your own lives. I love hearing from all of you, and I keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. I’ve also been very moved by the current events in Japan and in Libya lately, and my hearts go out to everyone affected by the earthquake and tsunami and by emerging civil war. Sometimes, there is so much heartbreak in the world—and in my backyard—that it’s hard to stay optimistic about things. This, for me, is where faith come in… and where all of you come in. Thank you for being a light in my life! Know that I am sending love from afar. And Happy Spring!

Amanda 

PS Happy belated St. Patrick's Day! I hope you celebrated as we did-- with Irish Car Bombs, corned beef and cabbage (despite a crock pot catastrophe, it turned out alright!), and some good Irish tunes. 

Dig in: an Ash Wednesday reflection

Ash Wednesdays are like birthdays of a certain sort. I can visualize my life as a hazy string of foreheads with dusty crosses. This is part of what I love about being Catholic; these seasons, these built-in opportunities to pause, are catalysts for reflection and self-improvement that, year after year, hold a mirror up to the person I’ve become. Although, my Ash Wednesday began a bit earlier this year. On Sunday, I participated in a traditional Dakota sweat lodge ceremony with the Red Wind community near Mt. Hood. We’d been talking about going to the sweat lodge ceremony for months, but it worked out nicely that we finally got there just before the start of Lent.


“Return to the Lord with your whole heart.” Those are the words we hear from the prophet every year on this day. Return. It’s my favorite mantra during the Lenten season, but sometimes it’s hard to make a return—and maybe even hard to determine to what I am returning because things look different. T.S. Eliot wrote, in “Little Gidding”, “We shall not cease from exploration/ And the end of all our exploring/ Will be to arrive where we started/ And know the place for the first time.” We’ve been around the block a few times when it comes to this; but we are never the same, so Lent meets us where we are, at the place we have arrived after our 365-day journey, and we’re invited to do Lent once again— but always differently. “Once again, yet deeper,” as I read once somewhere. This means going back to the essence of who we are, even if the Truths are clothed in new and varying contexts. Ashes, we’re told today. We were dust and we will make our return to dust, no doubt about it. That’s at least one thing that remains the same always.

The guy who was pouring our sweat lodge (i.e., leading us in this ritual so foreign to me) is called Nupa. Some of the first words he said to us as we sat, somewhat terrified, awaiting the entrance of a pile of sizzling rocks, were these: “It’s a good day to die!” Just like that. Exclamatory. And I begged to differ. But he meant that this day is a fine day for putting aside the parts of ourselves that we’ve outgrown, that are no longer helpful or healthy, that hold us back from the inner peace and the sense of harmony that we desire with our Creator, our brothers and sisters, our ancestors ,and our own deepest longings. We crawled like babies into the sweat lodge, a make-shift tent constructed from sixteen willow branches and some thick blankets and only tall enough to ensure that our heads didn’t scrape the inside of the roof as we sat, cross-legged, on the earth. We were returning, humbling ourselves, recognizing where we came from and where we’d ultimately end up—in the belly of the Creator, the womb of Mother Earth. Dirt. Ashes.

We needed to crawl on our hands and our knees into this dark lodge because sometimes it’s too hard to hear your own thoughts on the “outside,” especially while maintaining some lofty ideas about who we are, a project that can suck the life out of us if we’re not careful. We crawl to Mass every Sunday for the same reason. And this is also why we need to be reminded every year that God is constantly whispering, “Come back to me”—because we can’t maintain serenity in the storm without periodically returning to a center, preferably a substantial one. I love to talk about Yeats’ famous poem, “The Second Coming” because it is so often true that in life, “things fall apart” and the “centre cannot hold.” But that all depends on what you consider your center. I suppose God is the exception to that, and if we come back to Square One with God every so often, it helps stabilize us even as the world twirls like the spiral accessory on our teapot’s spout.

We, as physical beings, need something tangible to remind us to pause and take a breath, just one breath. We need [something akin to] a tent full of sweaty bodies and hot rocks and stifling steam and terrifying darkness to pull us out of our quotidian rhythm. We need a cross on our foreheads in the midst of a normal busy week. We need purple banners at our otherwise second-nature Sunday Mass. We need all of these things, and Crucifixes and Labyrinths and the Sign of the Cross, because our physicality is so inseparably connected to who we are as spiritual beings, and God knows that. This is why Jesus became “The Way” for us. As a Jesuit priest at St. Ignatius reminded me recently, Christ is the “word God speaks to us, the hand God outstretches to us” in a language we can comprehend, when we have wandered a bit farther away from that center and need a way back. Jesus, the ultimate example of God-made-physical (AKA a Sacrament!) is a bridge for us. So we get it. Because otherwise we might never return.

As I sat in this tiny tent, sweat cascading down my face like the water at Multnomah Falls, I had two simultaneous thoughts of equal clarity, the first being “I’m going to die,” and the second being a tranquil certainty that the Divine sat with me in those moments of suffering and terror. I tend to see the world as a blend of the earthly and the Divine, separated by the thinnest of veils. Kind of like the smoothies Lindsay makes—all mixed together, but you can still kind of distinguish the flavors if you try. Mr. Renner, my revered English teacher from high school, once spoke of death as a thin, vaporous curtain that we pass through. We’re always that close to Backstage. We’re always that close to God, but it’s sometimes easy to overlook our daily divinity.

There are days when I feel like I’m seeing the world in Technicolor, feeling every sensation with an almost painful acuteness, but there are also days when the sky is gray and that’s it. When I’m just plain tired or hungry or annoyed, and there’s seemingly nothing holy about it. Fasting today is uncomfortable for me. Being in the dark, claustrophobic tent and struggling so hard to take on breath of that hot air was nearly unbearable. I could just stop there, but I think that these are the out-of-the-ordinary spaces I need to create sometimes to give God a little room to work.

I need to empty myself, be it through deprivation of lunch today or an outpouring of sweat and tears and fears in the lodge ceremony. When I isolate these physical parts of me, my need to focus on something else, something deeper, something beyond the earthly, becomes pretty evident. We, as spirits embodied, are Sacraments. God touching earth. The Divine in a form that we can understand. We’re not Jesus, and we’re not Holy Communion, but we are and have the potential to be God incarnate to others, even in our imperfect states. The extent to which we are able to notice the Spirit flowing through us depends on a lot of things: our stopping to listen to and look for God, our willingness to take a step back from the busyness and noise of our lives and simplify a bit, our receptivity to God’s call, which—as Elijah learned—doesn’t always come in a thunderous, look-at-me, sort of way but often in the form of a still, small voice, so subtle that we may miss it if we’re always waiting for something major (1 Kings 19).

Maybe this is why we start with Ash Wednesday and why it catches me every year, throws me off balance a little bit—just enough that I take note. We need to begin once again, as children crawling in the dirt (and yet never all alone) into the dark places where, if we want to and even sometimes if we don’t, we can meet God. We need to empty ourselves by fasting on days like today and by purging our lives of clutter, material or otherwise, so that we can breathe. We need to create a space, even if that just means I remove dessert from my life for 40 days because that will remind me of the season. And when we strip off these layers, we find ourselves pretty spiritually naked before God. We open the door and invite in all sorts of craziness. We ask to be probed and prodded, and that vulnerability takes courage and trust. We pour out everything we have (you should have felt the heap of emotions that our sweat lodge group dispelled!) and we sit, empty vessels waiting to be filled not only by the food and drink and stimulation of this world but by the peace and forgiveness and compassion of the next. This isn’t necessarily comfortable—I truly thought my life was coming to an end in that lodge—but sometimes it isn’t supposed to be. If it were easy to walk the path of Enlightenment or follow that sacred bridge, we wouldn’t need to refocus like this.

Lent, like the sweat lodge ceremony, seems to be about sitting in the hard places for a bit and just seeing what happens. Filling up on that unending supply of love and mercy and letting that be our nourishment and our motivation. And finally, crawling out of there, nearly breathless, and carrying that feeling around with us. Not everyone has this opportunity, I’ve realized. The sometimes glamorized process of simplifying our lives, of sitting in discomfort and difficulty, isn’t something about which many people (most people) in our world have any choice. My sole meal today will be a simple plate of rice and beans which is, for others, a daily reality. And if I need to do this every once in awhile to feel myself move closer to God, then how close must the poor, the hungry, and the oppressed already be to our Creator! [This, of course, is the fundamental tenet of Liberation Theology—the concept that these are the folks who are closest to the heart of God, and that God’s favor rests on them in a special way. Thus we, desiring to be like the God, will live our lives with a Preferential Option for the Poor as well.]

During the sweat lodge ceremony, I experienced some pretty intense moments of clarity when I was able to put aside my fear. I felt held, I felt challenged, I felt a loving—always loving— gaze resting on me. I emerged soaking wet, absolutely exhausted, and pretty hungry but with focus and an authentic understanding of why people do this. The space was an effective mechanism for prayer, in spite of but also because of the physical obstacles that it entailed. All along, Nupa encouraged us from the darkness—in a voice barely audible amidst the chanting and drumming—to remember why we had come. To dig in, and to re-commit. To place our trust in the hands of something bigger than ourselves because without a grander focus, we couldn’t continue to endure such a physically unpleasant experience. Do this, he told us, and breathe, take one breath.

Lent is all about remembering who and whose we are. All about re-committing our lives to God and to the service of God’s children. We’re like salmon (OK, this is the Northwest imagery making its appearance) who wander faraway and then endure a grueling, and ultimately deadly, journey upstream to the place they started because they know exactly where they want to end up. That’s the goal: explore, explore, explore, return, return, return. Different. Ashes. We recognize that we don’t have forever on this earth, that things aren’t easy and we aren’t perfect, that there’s a lot of work to do. So we dig in, and the digging starts here, on a Wednesday (the worst of days, don’t you think?), as we trod through our daily mud, amidst all this noise, perhaps on an empty stomach. And we’re supposed to find God here! We’re supposed to make our way back, even if the journey is unpleasant and painful. Even if it rains 15 days in a row. Even in the dark.

Today is a good day to die. A good day to remember. To return, with our whole hearts—or at least take one step in that direction. So we begin Lent once again, yet deeper, aware of the labor that lies ahead and also the peace that we might find if we create the space for it. We start our journey upstream. We take one hot, hungry breath. We dig in.

We need faith for the same reasons that it's so hard to find. --Josh Ritter

Hello, all.

What happened to February?! My prediction at the end of the last post was accurate: this month flew by so quickly. Anthony’s Area Visit went smoothly, followed quickly by retreat, which was restful but not as intellectually stimulating as I had hoped. The topic was social justice, and the presenter, Kathleen Myers, is a teacher at Jesuit High School. She pretty much has my dream job (well, one of them) because she teaches Prayer and Sacraments and Justice and Peace, two classes that sound pretty amazing. She spoke to us about charity and justice, and the necessity of doing work that falls into both categories, and she encouraged us to think about our ideas about the people we work with. Do we really see our clients/guests/patients as “other,” “lesser,” or “powerless”? She pushed us to be honest and to address any problems that those subconscious thoughts pose in terms of solidarity and collaboration.

It wasn’t anything that I hadn’t already thought about, especially in Fr. Massingale’s class last semester, but it was still a worthwhile topic. I had hoped we would hone in on a few social justice issues in particular rather than remaining so vague about “social justice” as a whole, but I think that retreat for me turned out to be the weekend I needed rather than the weekend I was anticipating. I got a lot of rest, I got to catch up with Beth and see Lizzie, go for a beautiful run and a really refreshing hike, and spend some quality time with my community. In those ways, it was really worthwhile.

The top of Angel's Rest, a nice 5-mile hike up to this vista.

Unfortunately, like many of my housemates and coworkers, I’ve been battling a pretty nasty cold. We had Presidents’ Day off, which I really appreciated as I needed so badly to rest and recover. I actually went to Urgent Care that weekend and found out I had bronchitis and an ear infection—great. The antibiotics have definitely helped, and I really took it easy this past week as much as possible. I mustered up some energy to do a hike on my day off, though, and the view at the top of Angel's Rest was gorgeous!

This weekend, though, has been a blast! A quick run-down: On Wednesday, I went to the Josh Ritter concert with a new friend, Jose. It was such a wonderful evening. I’d been looking forward to the concert for months and it’s always such a good show; Josh is incredible. I had planned on going alone until I met Jose at a JOIN fundraiser (that’s where Colleen, Daniel, and Linds work) and found out that he likes Josh Ritter too. It was much nicer to go with someone, and it was great to share my excitement about Josh with another person! Due to the quarter-inch of snow that lightly dusted the streets of Portland, cancelling school and delaying my workday one hour, we had no Youth Ministry that evening, so it worked out nicely because I didn’t have to miss out on anything. On Thursday, Jillian and I made a delicious quinoa casserole with spinach, broccoli, and mozzarella. Yum!

On Friday, we went to the Art Museum again because it was free (every fourth Friday). After that, I had a beer at Deschutes Brewery, one of Portland’s many microbreweries, and hung out with Daniel, Jenna, and Jose before seeing “Hood to Coast,” a documentary that follows four teams completing Oregon’s epic Mt. Hood-to-Seaside relay race (12-person teams with each member running three legs ranging from 3-7 miles or so, traversing various terrains in daylight and in pitch black). It only made me want to participate even more; too bad it’s at the end of August and I most likely will not be here! Last night, we saw some jazz and hung out downtown again. It has been a pretty eventful weekend, and I’m enjoying a chill Sunday afternoon in Southeast right now with Jenna at a coffee shop.

This week will probably be another busy week at work. I’m in the process of organizing an energy assistance outreach event at our office, and we also have a Dental Van day coming up and a Legal Aid clinic, both of which I am responsible for facilitating and overseeing in some capacity. Sandra, who has been in Mexico for the past three months, is FINALLY coming back (yay!), so that will be exciting and refreshing because I’ve had to take on a lot of responsibility in her absence. I’m grateful for it, actually, as I’ve been able to get a better grasp on the “big picture” at our agency and I’ve had to push myself to figure out the answers to questions on my own. There are still things that surprise me and stump me on a daily basis; on the whole, I really do enjoy my job, although sometimes it gets pretty stressful and/or emotionally heavy.

The other day, I found myself in an efficient rhythm as I helped a client with an energy assistance application. The final step of the process is to have her sign her name, so as I made copies and flitted about, I tossed the paper across my desk, made her an X and said, “sign here.” When I came back a few minutes later, she was still writing her name, moving her pen so painstakingly slowly. I was a bit shocked that this could possibly be taking so long…until I saw that she had pulled out a small piece of paper and she was copying her name based on that. She had to look at each letter to remember the order of the letters and how to write each one. I just watched her hand moving so slowly across the paper, and I stopped moving for a few moments, stopped processing her application and shuffling papers and stapling things together. What must it be like to go through life without even knowing how to write your name? I see clients all the time who can barely sign papers. They write slowly, like this woman, and the result is a kindergarten-level, printed signature that bounces all over the line. Think of how quickly you slap your John Hancock on a paper without a thought. Sometimes, I just have to stop and remember that I take so much for granted.

Last week, I actually did cry at work. I had been helping a lady named Dolores who was being evicted from her apartment because she couldn’t make her rental payments. The wait list for low-income housing is so long that we had no chance of getting her in anywhere affordable in time (she only had two weeks to find a new living situation). I called everywhere and there was nothing she could afford. Last week, we helped her communicate with some distant relatives in Seattle, and she left on a train (we bought her ticket) to go live with them for awhile. But she was so sad. Even though it seems like this is a good turn-out, she was still so upset that she had lost her apartment, and she and her husband took what little belongings they have (a few duffel bags) and reluctantly got into the car to head to the train station with my coworker. He is so proud and does not feel right about living with these relatives, and she is just so heartbroken. I couldn’t help but feel awful that, in the end, there was nothing much I could do for them. I hope to see them again. I hope they stay at their family’s house long enough to figure out their next move, though I can totally imagine them leaving, feeling guilty, and living on the streets. There’s no way I can make their decisions for them or “fix” their situation either, and sometimes that realization is too much for me to handle.

This constitutes a snow day in OR.

Look at our snow! Pretty funny.

Insert theological brainstorm: The priest at St. Ignatius last weekend (I went with Bruce, my friend from Youth Ministry—it was his first experience of the Contemplative Mass although he has lived in Portland for thirty years!) gave a beautiful homily. He spoke directly to me, it seemed, reminding me of what grounds my spirituality and how I am seeing that lived out everywhere this year. He talked about the phrase “the way,” as in Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life.” I had never really understood what this meant until he said that Jesus is “the word God speaks to us, the hand God outstretches to us,” a manner in which God can communicate to us. Jesus is the bridge, then, that helps us connect to a God who sometimes, perhaps because we’ve wandered, seems so far away. And how do we travel on this “way”? How do we move back to God, to our center, to something that holds, to holiness?

The priest, supported by Matthew 25 (my favorite!) said that, in working for justice—in small and in grandiose ways—we also work toward holiness. Jesus’ example was that of someone who aligns himself with those who have been rendered voiceless or those who have been ignored or oppressed. If we follow that example, if we try to love not only our friends and family but our enemies and those whom we perceive as “other,” we move along that “way” and we find ourselves working for justice, traveling closer to closer to God and to holiness, a perfection that we can never achieve but are nevertheless called to strive for. I don’t know why this made sense to me in a new way this time, but it’s so helpful for me. It grounds me. Even if I can’t explain it in logical terms.

Jose and I were talking about religion, and he told me that he can’t accept it, not with all the unanswered questions and the seemingly illogical nature of it all. I can’t argue against that; it is inherently irrational in a lot of ways, which is where faith comes in. He didn’t disagree; faith is the “crux of it all,” he told me. Having faith is not easy when I look around and see so much hopelessness, when God (whoever God is) seems so far away. But I think there’s a reason why I keep asking certain questions, why I am still so moved by the example of Jesus and the idea of Jesus’ example as a blueprint for finding my way to some center, that center being God for me, a God who is limitless in all ways—Father AND Mother, Creator, Connection, Compassion.

Snow on the flowers. So pretty!

Molly and I, as she prepared for her Finding God in All Things retreat that was this weekend, talked extensively about where she finds God. She was able to put something together that I hadn’t been able to articulate. I often say, “I see Christ in that person,” and it’s true. But Molly pointed out that she finds God not only in people but in that common humanity, that nearly inexplicable, intangible yet palpable sense of kinship that we feel with one another. Sometimes it’s easier to feel it than other times, and it’s true that our ideas about others (do we think we’re smarter? that we can know what’s best for someone else? that we can fix their problems for them?) can cause us to miss out on that moment of connection, but there is definitely something Divine in that current that runs between two human beings, however different, and Molly wisely called that God, something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit since our conversation. Jesus, The Way, is that connection between us and others. Between me and Molly. Between me and all of you, my friends and family. Between me and my clients. Between me and my housemtaes. I see Christ in all of the above individuals, but I also see God present in the spaces between us, the silences, the thing that I can’t touch but can feel, which causes me to desire closeness with others and to keep working toward a reality that recognizes the dignity of every human being and the way in which we are all linked. If we tune in to that, how will that change how we treat one another? The planet? Our bodies? Etc.

Once again, thank you all for putting in the effort to keep up with me. A belated birthday to Kelly, a happy birthday to Peg, an early birthday to Terese, and a Happy March to all of you.

Dad, see you in two weeks!

Love,

Amanda

Wasted time and other graces in the middle.

 Dear ones,

First of all: I'm sorry if some of you got multiple emails about my updating this blog. I had some formatting/publishing difficulties. I think it should be OK now!

I hope that those of you in the Midwest have weathered your various blizzards and storms alright. It was crazy seeing all of that snow via text photos and the news. Part of me is a bit jealous—Marquette got a snow day, and I missed what appears to be the biggest snowstorm in quite some time! Still, I can’t lie: it’s quite nice to be running outside on a fairly regular basis even in January. Last weekend, I went for a lovely run on the trail near the Bucks’ house and I saw three deer. They were about thirty yards away and beautiful. I stopped, paused my iPod, and just looked at them for a few minutes. Other days, I am still running to L.A. Fitness in the morning. It’s hard to get myself out of bed and run to the gym in the dark, but I catch some pretty amazing sunrises on the clear days when I’m running back home. I appreciate that Lindsay is my gym partner most days (I think it holds us both accountable) and that the gym isn’t too far away. We have our favorite 7am gym characters by now—the 60-something guy who spends the whole time on the ab cruncher machine (we call him “Frat Boy”) and a barely-clad lady who looks like a cheerleader and works out with her hair down, to name a few.

Oxbow Park hike with Jim, Mary Ann, and Anthony :)

Even though we’re still getting plenty of rain, we had a colder streak for a couple of weeks and actually got quite a bit of sun. It has since warmed up again (back to the 40’s!) and now the rain has returned. I think the way to deal with it is to take Vitamin D and make a decision not to let the rain get to you. Today, we went on a Silent Hike in Oxbow Park (I saw a woodpecker, three salamanders, and a herd of black-tailed deer!) and even though it was sort of misting, it was really a nice day. The weather was balmy and the moss-covered forest was so beautiful. We were joined by Jim and Mary Ann, who are just such wonderful people. They hosted us for dinner this past Thursday, something we always look forward to. The dinner was Oriental-themed and we actually ate on the floor at a glorified coffee-table. Mary Ann’s food is always so delicious; for me, the star of the show this time was a lime pie with some sort of sour cream topping—I don’t know how she does it.

Dave and Karen, Daniel, Jillian, Colleen and me snowshoeing!

As I think I mentioned, Karen and Dave recently took a few of us on a snow-shoeing outing, which was also a lot of fun. We’re so spoiled to know several awesome couples who take such good care of us! We weren’t able to see Mt. Hood clearly that day, but we did get a gorgeous view when we finally reached the highest point of our hike. After a climb through a wooded area, then a clearing, then up a forest road, we reached a flat spot for lunch and made a snowman that just might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Karen and Dave were kind enough to pay for our snowshoe/boot rentals, purchase some treats for us at Joe’s Doughnuts (a necessary stop en route to the trail), and scale back on the level of intensity for those of us with foot problems and/or lack of experience. It was a really fun day.

This week, Anthony has been with us again (he’s our Area Director) for another area visit. He hangs out with our community, talks to each of us one-on-one, and then on his last night makes some observations/suggestions/challenges for us as a house. Always on the tail of his visit is a retreat, and I’m looking forward to the Social Justice-themed retreat coming up Feb 11-14. I actually have a lot to look forward to, as I just found out that Dad is coming to visit for a weekend in March and my mom and sister have booked their flights as well for their Memorial Day weekend visit. ALSO, quite unexpectedly, there is now a serious possibility that Katharine will be able to visit because she’s going to be in California for a short time for work. That’s a whole lot closer than D.C., so we’re really trying to work something out. It would be WONDERFUL to see her.

In other news, I don’t have too much other news! To be honest, I was in a bit of a funk for a few weeks recently. I think what happened is I realized that we’re exactly in the middle of our JVC year. That freaked me out. I’m pretty good at beginnings—I like the challenge of trying to find a new rhythm, a new routine, a new balance. I always enjoyed rearranging my workout and lunch schedules around my classes, working in extracurricular activities, and putting my test dates in my agenda in college. Yes, I’m a bit of a nerd. But I also like the end of things, and I do a good job mulling over stuff, reflecting, looking ahead to what’s next. In short, I find it hard to just be… in the middle.

Of course, this is what most of life is. When things are just “fine.” When I’m “OK.” When there’s not too much new. I can’t rearrange my life every four to six months as I grew accustomed to doing as a college student. I have to get better at just SITTING in this moment, the part where things are just sort of flowing. But I struggle with it, and I don’t think it helps that that halfway point (when I’m no closer to the beginning than I am to the end and I don’t know if I should look forward or backwards) came in the dreary days of January and February, which are hard in and of themselves. We’ve had a few months of consistent rain, it’s dark, and so on and so forth.

Daylight savings is just around the corner, though, and I have noticed that it’s much lighter than it was even a month ago when I’m walking home from work. The rain is better than frigid temperatures, so I can’t complain all that much about this winter. I’m pulling myself out of this funk by refocusing and by also letting myself squirm a bit because Erin was right when she told me sternly, “Don’t you dare join a new group or take up a new hobby right now! You sit here, Amanda!” I do have to practice being alright with being alright, even when nothing too stimulating or dramatic or novel is happening. I don’t think it’s a BAD thing to have things on the horizon; in fact, I usually do have several things on my calendar and I enjoy working toward exciting benchmarks.

Sandy River

But I also want to say that there’s a lot that goes on when nothing is going on. Anthony and I discussed this last night during our one-on-one because I told him that I think the best way to describe community life is that it’s a ministry of presence. It’s about being around even when nothing’s going on because all of the “pointless” conversations and the “wasted” time I spend with my housemates seems to accumulate and ultimately evolves into meaningful relationships. I’ve gotten a lot closer with several members of my household lately, and I attribute much of that to the fact that there hasn’t been all that much going on and we’ve had a lot of moments, the cracks between the things that do consume our time and energy, where growth has happened. Those are special, too. There’s something to be said about being uncomfortable in the middle of things—and there’s a lot that I don’t want to miss here in the middle.

So, I’m finding renewed energy around my work and my community, around simple living and spirituality. My spiritual director, Joyce Ann, has been a really helpful influence. I always look forward to our monthly chats because bouncing thoughts off of her is a way to mirror those thoughts back to myself; I hear myself speaking about the fact that my prayer life looks different this year than usual and then I hear myself in her words when she tells me, “But all of that—your work, your community, the reflections you just shared about all of that—it’s all prayer! You are praying, but you’re not calling it prayer!” and I feel reinvigorated by that new insight and that new perspective. Simple living is something that continues to challenge me because it seems like it’s easy to figure out, but if I check it off my list and declare that “got it” too soon, I know I’ll miss something. I can go deeper with simple living, and Anthony just pointed out one way: my relationship with time. I have no problem staying within our $80/month budget or doing other tangible “simple living” things that are worked into the program, but isn’t there more to this whole simplicity thing? I think so, and I’m experimenting with simplicity not only in a financial sense or a materialistic way but also in the sense of time and energy.

I'm proud of this woodpecker shot from today.

And, speaking of “wasted time,” I recently spent ten minutes waiting for a bus, only to get dumped off after about twenty and having to wait twenty more minutes for another bus that took me all the way to my destination (another twenty minutes away). So much wasted time! With three housemates with cars, I definitely could have called for a ride. But the point is, sometimes this year, to do the inconvenient or more difficult or more annoying thing and to be OK with it. It often happens in our house that when we have fifteen minutes to burn, we end up having a really important discussion that factors into relationships later on and turns out to matter a lot more than we might have anticipated. Similarly, by not always doing the “default” or the “easy” action, I open myself up to little moments or interactions that might stick with me long after the second bus drops me off at home.

Community, as you might have guessed, has been a really profound experience for me, one that seems to tie together everything else happening this year. The people in my house are not all people I might have ended up being friends with if it weren’t for this program; and yet, they have become some of the most important people in my life. Right now, they’re the people seeing me on a regular basis, the people seeing me after a hard day at work or an exhilarating run or a frustrating Mass or an uplifting conversation with someone from home. We get on each other’s nerves sometimes and I think there has been a bit of tension here and there as of late, but there’s still this sense that our house is a safe place for the sort of growth that we’re all trying to do on a personal level this year. This affects and is affected by my relationships at work...

From my window. *Sigh*

The other day, after a stressful appointment, Karen and I had a quick vent session and we both said something along the lines of, “it is exhausting to work with people with a second-grade education.” We both love what we do, but it’s sometimes really, really tiring. And it’s easy to forget the fact that a lot of the adults we are talking with have only two or three years of education, if that. The way they look at the world is so much different. When they show up to their appointment late or completely unprepared (this is the norm rather than the exception), it is obviously frustrating. When they don’t have the answer to a question I see as being pretty simple, I sometimes want to pull my hair out. But the patience, compassion, and forgiveness that we need to practice in our home are also things I have to draw on during my workday.

Seeing the whole darn thing as one big prayer has been a helpful approach for me lately, so I appreciate that nugget that Joyce Ann gave me during spiritual direction. A quick morning offering (something like “God, this is all for you, the joys and the struggles and the highs and lows of the day, please be with me and help me serve you”) book-ended by some sort of examination of the day before falling asleep helps things feel cohesive and centered even in the midst of a whirlwind of emotions and things to do. God is all over my day, and I am able to see those moments—sometimes—while they’re happening because I’ve already sort of offered all of them up, as a collection, in my morning prayer (which often happens during my extended mascara ritual). Sometimes, I don’t notice the presence of God or the Holy Spirit until I look at the experience or the interaction in retrospect. Then, suddenly, it makes sense. It seems to have happened for a reason. It seems to be exactly what I needed (and didn’t know I needed) at the time. Being aware, being here, being open—these are things I continue to work on because that is when I’m actually able to see the things that are happening, feel them, and use them to grow. There’s still a lot to mine from this experience, and I am grateful for the challenges as well as the delightful moments because I think it’s all part of some big picture that I’ll be piecing together for a long, long time.

Alright, you all. Thank you for reading—do people seriously still read this?! It makes me happy to know that at least a few of you do, and I am thankful for those of you who even bother with half of this because it’s really not a very good blog. Blogs are supposed to be quick blurbs of insights or wit, and mine is instead an extended commentary on my thoughts of the moment. But, whatever this is, it is enhanced by your reading, reflection, and commentary. So thank you, dear friends and family near and far. I love you all. And lately, I’ve been more homesick than usual. I miss all of you and I think of you all often. Finding a balance between keeping in touch with everyone but also staying present in this experience here is a continual challenge. But recently I’ve been able to catch up with a few of you—Lizzie Traudt, Catí, Jill, Kelly, Bee!—and that is much appreciated. I’m so grateful to have such a strong network of love and support, even if it is now a network spread out all over the country.

Have a wonderful, wonderful week. Enjoy the Superbowl (I have no comment on this game) and this short month of February, which will be gone before we know it!

Love,

Amanda

PS Shout-out time, in case you care to stay for the closing credits:

Congratulations to Lindsay for completing the MCAT!!!! We celebrated with drinks at Kells. Very exciting.

Thanks especially to Katharine and Molly for comforting me this week and for your ongoing support and love. And thank you, $13 Chilean cabernet sauvignon. Worth it.

And to Erin for those sad piano songs and that comfy shoulder. And for not asking questions.

Thanks to my mom for randomly sending a box of delicious cookies. Always appreciated and always delicious. And thanks to my dad for booking a flight to come see me even though you won’t enjoy getting here. It means the world to me.

Sort of a scary sight, actually.... but they're so cute!!

Extra prayers for garrett on these final days of his 30-day retreat, for Nicki, Beth, and Terese and their communities at home and at their placements, for Chile on Monday-- the one-year anniversary of the 8.8 earthquake-- and for Jill as she begins the next, exciting phase of her life. 

Finally, prayers and happy thoughts to two of my coworkers, Minerva and Cecilia, in the final month or so of their pregnancies. We celebrated with a baby shower (at my house!!) last Friday. Yay, babies! 

Love to all of you.