We need faith for the same reasons that it's so hard to find. --Josh Ritter

Hello, all.

What happened to February?! My prediction at the end of the last post was accurate: this month flew by so quickly. Anthony’s Area Visit went smoothly, followed quickly by retreat, which was restful but not as intellectually stimulating as I had hoped. The topic was social justice, and the presenter, Kathleen Myers, is a teacher at Jesuit High School. She pretty much has my dream job (well, one of them) because she teaches Prayer and Sacraments and Justice and Peace, two classes that sound pretty amazing. She spoke to us about charity and justice, and the necessity of doing work that falls into both categories, and she encouraged us to think about our ideas about the people we work with. Do we really see our clients/guests/patients as “other,” “lesser,” or “powerless”? She pushed us to be honest and to address any problems that those subconscious thoughts pose in terms of solidarity and collaboration.

It wasn’t anything that I hadn’t already thought about, especially in Fr. Massingale’s class last semester, but it was still a worthwhile topic. I had hoped we would hone in on a few social justice issues in particular rather than remaining so vague about “social justice” as a whole, but I think that retreat for me turned out to be the weekend I needed rather than the weekend I was anticipating. I got a lot of rest, I got to catch up with Beth and see Lizzie, go for a beautiful run and a really refreshing hike, and spend some quality time with my community. In those ways, it was really worthwhile.

The top of Angel's Rest, a nice 5-mile hike up to this vista.

Unfortunately, like many of my housemates and coworkers, I’ve been battling a pretty nasty cold. We had Presidents’ Day off, which I really appreciated as I needed so badly to rest and recover. I actually went to Urgent Care that weekend and found out I had bronchitis and an ear infection—great. The antibiotics have definitely helped, and I really took it easy this past week as much as possible. I mustered up some energy to do a hike on my day off, though, and the view at the top of Angel's Rest was gorgeous!

This weekend, though, has been a blast! A quick run-down: On Wednesday, I went to the Josh Ritter concert with a new friend, Jose. It was such a wonderful evening. I’d been looking forward to the concert for months and it’s always such a good show; Josh is incredible. I had planned on going alone until I met Jose at a JOIN fundraiser (that’s where Colleen, Daniel, and Linds work) and found out that he likes Josh Ritter too. It was much nicer to go with someone, and it was great to share my excitement about Josh with another person! Due to the quarter-inch of snow that lightly dusted the streets of Portland, cancelling school and delaying my workday one hour, we had no Youth Ministry that evening, so it worked out nicely because I didn’t have to miss out on anything. On Thursday, Jillian and I made a delicious quinoa casserole with spinach, broccoli, and mozzarella. Yum!

On Friday, we went to the Art Museum again because it was free (every fourth Friday). After that, I had a beer at Deschutes Brewery, one of Portland’s many microbreweries, and hung out with Daniel, Jenna, and Jose before seeing “Hood to Coast,” a documentary that follows four teams completing Oregon’s epic Mt. Hood-to-Seaside relay race (12-person teams with each member running three legs ranging from 3-7 miles or so, traversing various terrains in daylight and in pitch black). It only made me want to participate even more; too bad it’s at the end of August and I most likely will not be here! Last night, we saw some jazz and hung out downtown again. It has been a pretty eventful weekend, and I’m enjoying a chill Sunday afternoon in Southeast right now with Jenna at a coffee shop.

This week will probably be another busy week at work. I’m in the process of organizing an energy assistance outreach event at our office, and we also have a Dental Van day coming up and a Legal Aid clinic, both of which I am responsible for facilitating and overseeing in some capacity. Sandra, who has been in Mexico for the past three months, is FINALLY coming back (yay!), so that will be exciting and refreshing because I’ve had to take on a lot of responsibility in her absence. I’m grateful for it, actually, as I’ve been able to get a better grasp on the “big picture” at our agency and I’ve had to push myself to figure out the answers to questions on my own. There are still things that surprise me and stump me on a daily basis; on the whole, I really do enjoy my job, although sometimes it gets pretty stressful and/or emotionally heavy.

The other day, I found myself in an efficient rhythm as I helped a client with an energy assistance application. The final step of the process is to have her sign her name, so as I made copies and flitted about, I tossed the paper across my desk, made her an X and said, “sign here.” When I came back a few minutes later, she was still writing her name, moving her pen so painstakingly slowly. I was a bit shocked that this could possibly be taking so long…until I saw that she had pulled out a small piece of paper and she was copying her name based on that. She had to look at each letter to remember the order of the letters and how to write each one. I just watched her hand moving so slowly across the paper, and I stopped moving for a few moments, stopped processing her application and shuffling papers and stapling things together. What must it be like to go through life without even knowing how to write your name? I see clients all the time who can barely sign papers. They write slowly, like this woman, and the result is a kindergarten-level, printed signature that bounces all over the line. Think of how quickly you slap your John Hancock on a paper without a thought. Sometimes, I just have to stop and remember that I take so much for granted.

Last week, I actually did cry at work. I had been helping a lady named Dolores who was being evicted from her apartment because she couldn’t make her rental payments. The wait list for low-income housing is so long that we had no chance of getting her in anywhere affordable in time (she only had two weeks to find a new living situation). I called everywhere and there was nothing she could afford. Last week, we helped her communicate with some distant relatives in Seattle, and she left on a train (we bought her ticket) to go live with them for awhile. But she was so sad. Even though it seems like this is a good turn-out, she was still so upset that she had lost her apartment, and she and her husband took what little belongings they have (a few duffel bags) and reluctantly got into the car to head to the train station with my coworker. He is so proud and does not feel right about living with these relatives, and she is just so heartbroken. I couldn’t help but feel awful that, in the end, there was nothing much I could do for them. I hope to see them again. I hope they stay at their family’s house long enough to figure out their next move, though I can totally imagine them leaving, feeling guilty, and living on the streets. There’s no way I can make their decisions for them or “fix” their situation either, and sometimes that realization is too much for me to handle.

This constitutes a snow day in OR.

Look at our snow! Pretty funny.

Insert theological brainstorm: The priest at St. Ignatius last weekend (I went with Bruce, my friend from Youth Ministry—it was his first experience of the Contemplative Mass although he has lived in Portland for thirty years!) gave a beautiful homily. He spoke directly to me, it seemed, reminding me of what grounds my spirituality and how I am seeing that lived out everywhere this year. He talked about the phrase “the way,” as in Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life.” I had never really understood what this meant until he said that Jesus is “the word God speaks to us, the hand God outstretches to us,” a manner in which God can communicate to us. Jesus is the bridge, then, that helps us connect to a God who sometimes, perhaps because we’ve wandered, seems so far away. And how do we travel on this “way”? How do we move back to God, to our center, to something that holds, to holiness?

The priest, supported by Matthew 25 (my favorite!) said that, in working for justice—in small and in grandiose ways—we also work toward holiness. Jesus’ example was that of someone who aligns himself with those who have been rendered voiceless or those who have been ignored or oppressed. If we follow that example, if we try to love not only our friends and family but our enemies and those whom we perceive as “other,” we move along that “way” and we find ourselves working for justice, traveling closer to closer to God and to holiness, a perfection that we can never achieve but are nevertheless called to strive for. I don’t know why this made sense to me in a new way this time, but it’s so helpful for me. It grounds me. Even if I can’t explain it in logical terms.

Jose and I were talking about religion, and he told me that he can’t accept it, not with all the unanswered questions and the seemingly illogical nature of it all. I can’t argue against that; it is inherently irrational in a lot of ways, which is where faith comes in. He didn’t disagree; faith is the “crux of it all,” he told me. Having faith is not easy when I look around and see so much hopelessness, when God (whoever God is) seems so far away. But I think there’s a reason why I keep asking certain questions, why I am still so moved by the example of Jesus and the idea of Jesus’ example as a blueprint for finding my way to some center, that center being God for me, a God who is limitless in all ways—Father AND Mother, Creator, Connection, Compassion.

Snow on the flowers. So pretty!

Molly and I, as she prepared for her Finding God in All Things retreat that was this weekend, talked extensively about where she finds God. She was able to put something together that I hadn’t been able to articulate. I often say, “I see Christ in that person,” and it’s true. But Molly pointed out that she finds God not only in people but in that common humanity, that nearly inexplicable, intangible yet palpable sense of kinship that we feel with one another. Sometimes it’s easier to feel it than other times, and it’s true that our ideas about others (do we think we’re smarter? that we can know what’s best for someone else? that we can fix their problems for them?) can cause us to miss out on that moment of connection, but there is definitely something Divine in that current that runs between two human beings, however different, and Molly wisely called that God, something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit since our conversation. Jesus, The Way, is that connection between us and others. Between me and Molly. Between me and all of you, my friends and family. Between me and my clients. Between me and my housemtaes. I see Christ in all of the above individuals, but I also see God present in the spaces between us, the silences, the thing that I can’t touch but can feel, which causes me to desire closeness with others and to keep working toward a reality that recognizes the dignity of every human being and the way in which we are all linked. If we tune in to that, how will that change how we treat one another? The planet? Our bodies? Etc.

Once again, thank you all for putting in the effort to keep up with me. A belated birthday to Kelly, a happy birthday to Peg, an early birthday to Terese, and a Happy March to all of you.

Dad, see you in two weeks!

Love,

Amanda

Wasted time and other graces in the middle.

 Dear ones,

First of all: I'm sorry if some of you got multiple emails about my updating this blog. I had some formatting/publishing difficulties. I think it should be OK now!

I hope that those of you in the Midwest have weathered your various blizzards and storms alright. It was crazy seeing all of that snow via text photos and the news. Part of me is a bit jealous—Marquette got a snow day, and I missed what appears to be the biggest snowstorm in quite some time! Still, I can’t lie: it’s quite nice to be running outside on a fairly regular basis even in January. Last weekend, I went for a lovely run on the trail near the Bucks’ house and I saw three deer. They were about thirty yards away and beautiful. I stopped, paused my iPod, and just looked at them for a few minutes. Other days, I am still running to L.A. Fitness in the morning. It’s hard to get myself out of bed and run to the gym in the dark, but I catch some pretty amazing sunrises on the clear days when I’m running back home. I appreciate that Lindsay is my gym partner most days (I think it holds us both accountable) and that the gym isn’t too far away. We have our favorite 7am gym characters by now—the 60-something guy who spends the whole time on the ab cruncher machine (we call him “Frat Boy”) and a barely-clad lady who looks like a cheerleader and works out with her hair down, to name a few.

Oxbow Park hike with Jim, Mary Ann, and Anthony :)

Even though we’re still getting plenty of rain, we had a colder streak for a couple of weeks and actually got quite a bit of sun. It has since warmed up again (back to the 40’s!) and now the rain has returned. I think the way to deal with it is to take Vitamin D and make a decision not to let the rain get to you. Today, we went on a Silent Hike in Oxbow Park (I saw a woodpecker, three salamanders, and a herd of black-tailed deer!) and even though it was sort of misting, it was really a nice day. The weather was balmy and the moss-covered forest was so beautiful. We were joined by Jim and Mary Ann, who are just such wonderful people. They hosted us for dinner this past Thursday, something we always look forward to. The dinner was Oriental-themed and we actually ate on the floor at a glorified coffee-table. Mary Ann’s food is always so delicious; for me, the star of the show this time was a lime pie with some sort of sour cream topping—I don’t know how she does it.

Dave and Karen, Daniel, Jillian, Colleen and me snowshoeing!

As I think I mentioned, Karen and Dave recently took a few of us on a snow-shoeing outing, which was also a lot of fun. We’re so spoiled to know several awesome couples who take such good care of us! We weren’t able to see Mt. Hood clearly that day, but we did get a gorgeous view when we finally reached the highest point of our hike. After a climb through a wooded area, then a clearing, then up a forest road, we reached a flat spot for lunch and made a snowman that just might be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Karen and Dave were kind enough to pay for our snowshoe/boot rentals, purchase some treats for us at Joe’s Doughnuts (a necessary stop en route to the trail), and scale back on the level of intensity for those of us with foot problems and/or lack of experience. It was a really fun day.

This week, Anthony has been with us again (he’s our Area Director) for another area visit. He hangs out with our community, talks to each of us one-on-one, and then on his last night makes some observations/suggestions/challenges for us as a house. Always on the tail of his visit is a retreat, and I’m looking forward to the Social Justice-themed retreat coming up Feb 11-14. I actually have a lot to look forward to, as I just found out that Dad is coming to visit for a weekend in March and my mom and sister have booked their flights as well for their Memorial Day weekend visit. ALSO, quite unexpectedly, there is now a serious possibility that Katharine will be able to visit because she’s going to be in California for a short time for work. That’s a whole lot closer than D.C., so we’re really trying to work something out. It would be WONDERFUL to see her.

In other news, I don’t have too much other news! To be honest, I was in a bit of a funk for a few weeks recently. I think what happened is I realized that we’re exactly in the middle of our JVC year. That freaked me out. I’m pretty good at beginnings—I like the challenge of trying to find a new rhythm, a new routine, a new balance. I always enjoyed rearranging my workout and lunch schedules around my classes, working in extracurricular activities, and putting my test dates in my agenda in college. Yes, I’m a bit of a nerd. But I also like the end of things, and I do a good job mulling over stuff, reflecting, looking ahead to what’s next. In short, I find it hard to just be… in the middle.

Of course, this is what most of life is. When things are just “fine.” When I’m “OK.” When there’s not too much new. I can’t rearrange my life every four to six months as I grew accustomed to doing as a college student. I have to get better at just SITTING in this moment, the part where things are just sort of flowing. But I struggle with it, and I don’t think it helps that that halfway point (when I’m no closer to the beginning than I am to the end and I don’t know if I should look forward or backwards) came in the dreary days of January and February, which are hard in and of themselves. We’ve had a few months of consistent rain, it’s dark, and so on and so forth.

Daylight savings is just around the corner, though, and I have noticed that it’s much lighter than it was even a month ago when I’m walking home from work. The rain is better than frigid temperatures, so I can’t complain all that much about this winter. I’m pulling myself out of this funk by refocusing and by also letting myself squirm a bit because Erin was right when she told me sternly, “Don’t you dare join a new group or take up a new hobby right now! You sit here, Amanda!” I do have to practice being alright with being alright, even when nothing too stimulating or dramatic or novel is happening. I don’t think it’s a BAD thing to have things on the horizon; in fact, I usually do have several things on my calendar and I enjoy working toward exciting benchmarks.

Sandy River

But I also want to say that there’s a lot that goes on when nothing is going on. Anthony and I discussed this last night during our one-on-one because I told him that I think the best way to describe community life is that it’s a ministry of presence. It’s about being around even when nothing’s going on because all of the “pointless” conversations and the “wasted” time I spend with my housemates seems to accumulate and ultimately evolves into meaningful relationships. I’ve gotten a lot closer with several members of my household lately, and I attribute much of that to the fact that there hasn’t been all that much going on and we’ve had a lot of moments, the cracks between the things that do consume our time and energy, where growth has happened. Those are special, too. There’s something to be said about being uncomfortable in the middle of things—and there’s a lot that I don’t want to miss here in the middle.

So, I’m finding renewed energy around my work and my community, around simple living and spirituality. My spiritual director, Joyce Ann, has been a really helpful influence. I always look forward to our monthly chats because bouncing thoughts off of her is a way to mirror those thoughts back to myself; I hear myself speaking about the fact that my prayer life looks different this year than usual and then I hear myself in her words when she tells me, “But all of that—your work, your community, the reflections you just shared about all of that—it’s all prayer! You are praying, but you’re not calling it prayer!” and I feel reinvigorated by that new insight and that new perspective. Simple living is something that continues to challenge me because it seems like it’s easy to figure out, but if I check it off my list and declare that “got it” too soon, I know I’ll miss something. I can go deeper with simple living, and Anthony just pointed out one way: my relationship with time. I have no problem staying within our $80/month budget or doing other tangible “simple living” things that are worked into the program, but isn’t there more to this whole simplicity thing? I think so, and I’m experimenting with simplicity not only in a financial sense or a materialistic way but also in the sense of time and energy.

I'm proud of this woodpecker shot from today.

And, speaking of “wasted time,” I recently spent ten minutes waiting for a bus, only to get dumped off after about twenty and having to wait twenty more minutes for another bus that took me all the way to my destination (another twenty minutes away). So much wasted time! With three housemates with cars, I definitely could have called for a ride. But the point is, sometimes this year, to do the inconvenient or more difficult or more annoying thing and to be OK with it. It often happens in our house that when we have fifteen minutes to burn, we end up having a really important discussion that factors into relationships later on and turns out to matter a lot more than we might have anticipated. Similarly, by not always doing the “default” or the “easy” action, I open myself up to little moments or interactions that might stick with me long after the second bus drops me off at home.

Community, as you might have guessed, has been a really profound experience for me, one that seems to tie together everything else happening this year. The people in my house are not all people I might have ended up being friends with if it weren’t for this program; and yet, they have become some of the most important people in my life. Right now, they’re the people seeing me on a regular basis, the people seeing me after a hard day at work or an exhilarating run or a frustrating Mass or an uplifting conversation with someone from home. We get on each other’s nerves sometimes and I think there has been a bit of tension here and there as of late, but there’s still this sense that our house is a safe place for the sort of growth that we’re all trying to do on a personal level this year. This affects and is affected by my relationships at work...

From my window. *Sigh*

The other day, after a stressful appointment, Karen and I had a quick vent session and we both said something along the lines of, “it is exhausting to work with people with a second-grade education.” We both love what we do, but it’s sometimes really, really tiring. And it’s easy to forget the fact that a lot of the adults we are talking with have only two or three years of education, if that. The way they look at the world is so much different. When they show up to their appointment late or completely unprepared (this is the norm rather than the exception), it is obviously frustrating. When they don’t have the answer to a question I see as being pretty simple, I sometimes want to pull my hair out. But the patience, compassion, and forgiveness that we need to practice in our home are also things I have to draw on during my workday.

Seeing the whole darn thing as one big prayer has been a helpful approach for me lately, so I appreciate that nugget that Joyce Ann gave me during spiritual direction. A quick morning offering (something like “God, this is all for you, the joys and the struggles and the highs and lows of the day, please be with me and help me serve you”) book-ended by some sort of examination of the day before falling asleep helps things feel cohesive and centered even in the midst of a whirlwind of emotions and things to do. God is all over my day, and I am able to see those moments—sometimes—while they’re happening because I’ve already sort of offered all of them up, as a collection, in my morning prayer (which often happens during my extended mascara ritual). Sometimes, I don’t notice the presence of God or the Holy Spirit until I look at the experience or the interaction in retrospect. Then, suddenly, it makes sense. It seems to have happened for a reason. It seems to be exactly what I needed (and didn’t know I needed) at the time. Being aware, being here, being open—these are things I continue to work on because that is when I’m actually able to see the things that are happening, feel them, and use them to grow. There’s still a lot to mine from this experience, and I am grateful for the challenges as well as the delightful moments because I think it’s all part of some big picture that I’ll be piecing together for a long, long time.

Alright, you all. Thank you for reading—do people seriously still read this?! It makes me happy to know that at least a few of you do, and I am thankful for those of you who even bother with half of this because it’s really not a very good blog. Blogs are supposed to be quick blurbs of insights or wit, and mine is instead an extended commentary on my thoughts of the moment. But, whatever this is, it is enhanced by your reading, reflection, and commentary. So thank you, dear friends and family near and far. I love you all. And lately, I’ve been more homesick than usual. I miss all of you and I think of you all often. Finding a balance between keeping in touch with everyone but also staying present in this experience here is a continual challenge. But recently I’ve been able to catch up with a few of you—Lizzie Traudt, Catí, Jill, Kelly, Bee!—and that is much appreciated. I’m so grateful to have such a strong network of love and support, even if it is now a network spread out all over the country.

Have a wonderful, wonderful week. Enjoy the Superbowl (I have no comment on this game) and this short month of February, which will be gone before we know it!

Love,

Amanda

PS Shout-out time, in case you care to stay for the closing credits:

Congratulations to Lindsay for completing the MCAT!!!! We celebrated with drinks at Kells. Very exciting.

Thanks especially to Katharine and Molly for comforting me this week and for your ongoing support and love. And thank you, $13 Chilean cabernet sauvignon. Worth it.

And to Erin for those sad piano songs and that comfy shoulder. And for not asking questions.

Thanks to my mom for randomly sending a box of delicious cookies. Always appreciated and always delicious. And thanks to my dad for booking a flight to come see me even though you won’t enjoy getting here. It means the world to me.

Sort of a scary sight, actually.... but they're so cute!!

Extra prayers for garrett on these final days of his 30-day retreat, for Nicki, Beth, and Terese and their communities at home and at their placements, for Chile on Monday-- the one-year anniversary of the 8.8 earthquake-- and for Jill as she begins the next, exciting phase of her life. 

Finally, prayers and happy thoughts to two of my coworkers, Minerva and Cecilia, in the final month or so of their pregnancies. We celebrated with a baby shower (at my house!!) last Friday. Yay, babies! 

Love to all of you.